


jared

by reinvention



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, massive trigger warning, this is me projecting sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 22:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13867356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reinvention/pseuds/reinvention
Summary: he's not even feeling that bad





	1. again

he rummages through his things, moving away rubbish and scraps of paper in search for something.

 

_ found them _

 

he rolls back his shorts, revealing to himself his already damaged thighs.

 

/one

 

he feels nothing

 

_ again _

 

/two

 

nothing

 

again again again

 

he’s already lost count

 

he keeps going deeper and deeper. there’s no point if you’re feeling nothing.

 

he keeps going.

 

again again again

 

againagainagain

 

againagainagainagainagainagainagainagainagain

 

then he stops

 

sometimes he ends it quickly. but not today

 

_ this will be gone in the morning _

 

he’s right. there will be no sting in the morning. no pain.

 

so he will repeat himself.


	2. deeper

jared can’t stop. 

 

every day, like a routine almost, he finds himself in the same position. 

 

almost the same. 

 

because every day, he cuts a bit deeper. it always stings a bit more before. there’s always a bit more blood. 

 

it’s not like he’s upset. 

 

or feeling particularly bad.

 

in fact he could have had a good day. 

 

but he’d still find himself here. 

 

he just wants to feel it. 

 

the pain. the sting.

 

he wants to feel something.

 

jared can’t stop. 


	3. easy

it stings. 

 

then it doesn’t. 

 

he feels something. 

 

then he doesn’t.

 

god he fucking wishes he wasn’t like this.

 

he wishes he could find something else. 

 

he wishes he wouldn’t get out a pair scissors every time he felt nothing. 

 

he wishes that he wouldn’t find it so easy to hurt himself. 

 

no matter the support, the people talking to him, the distractions, the alternatives, he’ll always come back to this. 

 

hell, he could be texting someone and still manage to but cutting his thigh at the same time.

 

he fucking wishes it wasn’t this easy. 


	4. better

he doesn’t even know why he hurts himself anymore.

 

there’s no way to tell when or why he’ll do it.

 

he’ll just cut.

 

if he doesn’t have a reason, why does he do it?

 

because he can’t stop himself.

 

he knows it’s not good, that it’s not healthy, that he shouldn’t be harming himself.

 

but he doesn’t stop.

 

and he doesn’t want it taken away from him. 

 

“it’s better” he tells himself. 

 

“it’s an alternative to killing myself” he says.


	5. back

two weeks, 14 days.

 

the scars faded.

 

two weeks without hurting himself, without having the choice to hurt himself.

 

it was hard. he wanted to so badly.

 

he almost made himself throw up, something he hasn’t done in years, something he shouldn’t do.

 

just because he wanted to feel something.

 

two weeks he was clean, the longest period of time since he started.

 

but now it’s all undone.

 

he is back in a situation he finds so familiar.

 

his thigh’s are once again bleeding all over the sheets.


	6. funny

two weeks clean. 

 

two weeks of no school. 

 

but now he’s back. 

 

now he’s back to school, to hurting himself every night, to wanting to throw himself off a bridge. 

 

funny how his mood dropped so fast, how he was doing so well until he wasn’t. 

 

funny how quickly things can change.

 

one moment, he’s young and full of life, but soon enough it’s time to make decisions about a future he doesn’t know if he’ll be alive for. 

 

“focus on now,” his therapist tells him. 

 

but it’s not that easy to do that. 

 

not when everything else is focused on his future. 


	7. don’t

don’t look.

 

that’s what he has to tell himself.

 

don’t look.

 

don’t look at your stomach, which isn’t flat enough.

 

don’t look at your ribs, which you just want to be more prominent.

 

don’t look at those websites, telling you that you’re very underweight.

 

don’t take pride in the fact you’re just bones. don’t take pride in the fact you weigh so little.

 

he shouldn’t want to be unhealthy.

 

he shouldn’t want his ribs to stick out already more than they are.

 

he shouldn’t want to weigh less than he already does.

 

but he does so anyway.

 

so he eats less.


End file.
